Starting Over...Again....

Well, here I go again on this journey...hopefully wiser and more consistent with blogging.

Becoming a "runner" or any type of athlete is truly as much of a mental journey as it is a physical one.  I really needed the break from who I had turned into as an athlete as I didn't respect myself or the sport all that much anymore and just needed a break.  I was able to successfully complete the Chicago marathon according my standards, which included getting from the start line to the finish line without causing any serious damage to any part of my body. I did not make it within the stated time limit according to the marathon program.  Nor did I make it to the finish while the roads were still closed, or while the finish line was still open, or while there were finisher medals to be had, but I made it there.  I tried my hardest to keep a smile on my face and push forward to achieve my own set personal limitations.  When you find yourself walking a marathon and spending a lot of quality time within your own head there is a lot of time for self-reflection and discovery.  I was so thankful that my friend Suzanne, who also completed the marathon successfully on that day, had already agreed that a much needed running break was to follow on the next day. So what has happened since October 7, 2012.....

Strength training....
    It is amazing who little strength I have throughout the muscles of my body.  Fortunately, I have had the opportunity to work on this throughout the past 3 months.  It has been really nice to change up the workout routine.  This really was sparked by my physical therapy that I endured from April 2012 through November 2012 after basically shredding both muscles that make up my right calf from over-training and trying to do much because I felt like I should have been able to.  I had so many different stretching and strengthening exercises to complete everyday that it would take me an hour to an hour and a half every day just to get through my home physical therapy program.  During my 3 month running hiatus, as I have been trying to build up strength I think...wow, why on Earth didn't someone tell me to do this when I first began trying to develop into a runner 6 years ago!  Then I have to stop myself and say...no....You are responsible for YOU! It is so easy to pass the blame when we don't get what we want, achieve what we want, be who we want, but to quote Michael Jackson it all starts with "the man in the mirror".

Job focus....
  I get reviewed during the fall 2013 semester to determine if I am "fit" for continued employment at the University. This whole process is quite stressful.  Academic professionals have to meet criteria within 3 areas: Research, Teaching, and Community Service.  Research is primarily measured on how many publications you have out there.  This has been my primary focus during this running break. I have 3 manuscripts now under review out there now hoping that they go through the process successfully.  Teaching is measured by student feedback....this is always scary to some degree...why students are asked their opinion only once and right before finals is beyond me....and Community service is measured on what you yourself report.  This is disappointing as community service is probably my biggest strength.  I have taken a step back from this for 2013.  I realized that I give up way too much of my time and have a tendency to over-commit myself.  Most of the time to things or people who would never do anything to help me out in return. This has got to shift.  I have got to learn to put myself and what is truly important to me first.  I have some very special people in my life and relationships with those people should not be sacrificed because of community service activities.

Health focus....
  I have been so fortunate to find a team of physicians that truly understand and want to treat persons with severe headaches and migraines.  I have been part of a headache clinic now for 3 months. It is unbelievable how much the frequency of my severe headaches has declined!  I am on daily and preventative medications, with emergency medications specifically for migraines. It is unreal to be able to go 7-10 days without anytime of a headache at all.  It is a whole new life and quality of life for me.  I don't even know how to put into words how the last 20 some odd years of my life have been like having some kind of headache 5 out of 7 days a week to now having long stretching without an inkling of a headache. The downside to this...when I do have a bad one, it is extremely bad....but it usually passes within 48 hours.  I can only hope that with the help of the medical professionals that this can continue to improve over time.

Am I a runner?....
   Honestly I really don't know...I have had so many physical and mental hurdles. Yes, I have made a lot of accomplishments. Yes, I have many finisher medals that I have earned. Yes, I get out there and move. Yes, I have lots of apparel and shoes that are termed "running'.  It is a term that I still don't associate myself with.  As I am getting back on the cardio-wagon with my new medical regime I am faced with new and different challenges.  My legs aren't hurting, my shoes fit right, I know how to dress for the weather, but my heart rate is through the roof, and my asthma seems to constantly flare up.  I am on a mission to get healthy!  Whether this means I become the ultimate race walker and not a "runner" so be it. I just want to be healthy and have fun and laugh.  I don't care about being a maniac or fanatic or potato or road runner or groupie or in crowd or whatever. I want to be around people who have fun and laugh and support me and who I can support.  This is where I am starting. As I finished my 4 miles today in one hour six minutes and thirty seconds I thought to myself "Man, don't post that time it's so excruciating slow!" Then I wanted to slap myself and thought screw you all who thinks it's slow it's me...and I did it! and I kept my heart rate below 160 to get it all done. I'm not doing it for "you", I'm doing it for me.  That's why I didn't meet up with a group.  That's why I'm not training for anything. I'm training for me to be healthy and that's it.  That's where I'm starting!  If you want to join me I love company! But please don't push me.  Please don't tell me what I've done in the past.  Lord knows I don't want my past thrown back at me.  I am proud of myself for my accomplishments but I am living and doing for the here and now.  That's all I can do. 

So I'm lacing up my shoes one day at a time. One mile at a time. One adventure at a time. Yes on a treadmill. No, not a dreadmill.  Why did it get that name? It's a training tool. I need it to help me keep a regulated heart rate. I need it to get me to the distance I need and is safe for me. But somehow it has a bad rap in the "running" community.  I appreciate all support tools and mechanisms I can get.  I love outdoors. I can't wait until I feel confident and comfortable to move my workout regime to that atmosphere again, but right now I have to grow in my health and well being.

It was a big debate whether to do this blog entry or not, but as I spent that 1:06:30 on the treadmill today the words I felt I should include just poured through my head, and I thought I need to document this for myself. If you want to read it swell.  If you are offended...well...I don't know what to tell you. 

I am just sharing my story for that one person who may need to feel inspired to be okay with him or her self!  Do what YOU need, not what others tell you you need.

I will do my best to share my journey on this go round.  The mental aspect of fitness has got to be the hardest part....